If I have learned one thing from Time-Travelling, other than always carry some spare underwear and a passport sized photo of a dog, it is that you should never do anything to alter the future. It is a rule I have managed to live by until this week, as much to my surprise I returned to the present to find a dusty, 19-year-old envelope on my sideboard. 

With much trepidation, I opened it, only to find it was an invitation to the unveiling of a solid gold Kevin Phillips statue, being built outside The Stadium of Light (At least we know why they have no money now) in honour of his back-to-back hat-tricks, a Fantasy ChampMan. Now I knew that I shouldn’t attend, that it went all known time travelling protocol, but all my heroes were going to be there. Nicolas Medina, Emerson Thome, Julia Arca (apparently, he loves Andy Martin back just as much) and of course our Golden Hero himself. Well lets’ just saying going to this event, has changed the future of my team.

How Kevin Got His Statue

As Viduka stabbed home his 2nd goal of the week, to go with the Phillips Hat-Trick, all I could hear was Barry Davies screaming ‘Look at his face, just look at his face’. And if you had, you would have seen a look of delight and amazement That I had put together two Gameweeks that would have even made Victor Meldrew smile. Giving me a GW total of 93 points and Season High Rank of 125. I mean that is ridiculous, and it is all down to beautiful beautiful Golden Kevin. Which sounds like a cereal you would buy in B&M. Oh and I have a 17 point lead going into the 2nd Leg of my cup tie, which I am definitely going to need (Again, no Bambo for you panda, just a Norwegian man breaking into your house)

Time for a Break 

Anyway, I know you are desperate to know how my visit to the unveiling of a statue in December 2002, has altered life here in March 2002. Well, much to my disappoint, it was not a Solid Gold Statue at all, just Peter Shreeves covering a shivering Kevin Phillips in gold body paint, as Michael Gray stood, using his own personalised hair dryer to speed up the process. In my disgust, I told them to get out of my sight and back-to-back Hat-Tricks or not, like Dishonest Ashley, I had no interest in seeing them for a week and I would call in some mercenaries to show them how to behave professionally. 

So out went the Bat Signal (tbh it is more like one of those things for your garden that scares cats away) and it attracted this Motley Crue (Please Note Vince Neil nor Tommy Lee had no input into this Free Hit Team, maybe that is what they called ‘Adult Time’ with Pamela in the 90’s)

Biffs Sports Almanac 

Wow I am so so bad at this, so I am giving to do 3 more and then ask you for your predictions next week

This week I have foreseen the following,

  • Ian Harte to actually play (Bold Right)
  • Derby to punish Liverpool and their inability to score away from home (Cue, Liverpool scoring 4)
  • The only hat trick this week, will be the hat-trick of assists.

Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed it, feel free to leave a comment or/and any predictions you have for next week, cos mine are awful.

Before I go, I would like to pay my condolences on the passing Glenn Roeder, West Ham manager at the start of this sim, a truly wonderful and the last man to truly make me proud of Newcastle.

RIP Glenn, your will always be a Cockney Geordie to us

And gain please remember this our fantasy World, let’s make it a happy one. Love you all.

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